Melly (duncandy) wrote in caribspot,
Melly
duncandy
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De Plane! De Plane! (A Joke)

Ah hear de new Airline in Trinidad lookin' fuh Air Hostesses
to fly in de plane.
Well I tink I could I could do dat wuk, ah mean, wha could be so hard
in offerin' food and some swee drink tuh people?
De only ting ah hear doh, is dat dey only lookin' fuh slim gyuls who
could fit in ah size 4 or size 6 dress.
Well de lass time I fit in ah dress dat size was at meh Firs Communion,
an even then it was ah tite squeeze.

Well ah realize eef ah want dat wuk ah go have to lorse some pongs,
so yuh gyul decide to go in de gym.

Ah buy ah new black short pants, new white washecongs, pretty socks,
ah new yellow seersucker jersey. Ah buy ting to tie back meh head,
ah get ah washrag, pink water bottle, stop watch and ah ting to
measure meh heart beat.

See me bouncing in de people gym looking like ah Christmas tree.
All ah was missing was de lights.

Now, is not to say I never went in a gym before eh?
I uses to go regular, and yuh girl did have all she assets in de
right place.
But in dem days ah did prefer liffin' weights and riding de
stationary bicycle.
Dis new gym by me here have one setta fancy equipment, but ah figure
it cyar be hard to use.
I not dotish, ah went to school, how hard it could be?

Ah prop up meh pink water bottle, heng meh washrag neat on de railing.
Ah make sure meh washecong lace well tie, ah check meh hair,
straighten meh jersey, smooden dong meh short pants and step onto
someting looking like ah stairs.

De instructions say to press Start.

Ah press Start.
Well boy ah nearly pitch off an' lan' up in de parking lot!
What kind ah kiss-meh-neck stairs is dis,nuh?
De ting going backwards! Ah heng on to de railing fuh dear life,
while ah trying to fine de off button.
Ah ponging and ponging all de button - de ting went up, dong, farse,
slow, forward, backward.
Ah start to say ah Haily Mary until at lass ah press de right ting
and it stop. But de blooming ting stop so sudden, dat ah capsides
an' jam meh ches' in de railing.

All yuh ladies would know how dat does lance yuh, when yuh get yuh
buss jam!
Is only by de grace of Papa Gawd dat ah stop mehself from bawling out
two cuss word in de people place.

Ah come off de chupid backwards stairs an' spot ah staionary bicycle.
Ah say good, ah could handle dat.
Ah pick up meh pink water bottle, take meh washrag and meh heart
beat ting and meh stop watch and gorn over by de bike.
Ah arrange all meh 'coutrements and climb on to de bike.
Who dey make dem bike seat for, boy?
People who have ah bamsee like ah spregetti? Oh shims man!
De ting tiny, hard and uncomfertebble.
It had meh feeling like ah was sitting on ah grater.

But ah say ah have to exercise so dat meh pants could fit meh nice.
Dem low rider pants doh forgive yuh, eh?

Ah did try on one an' it make meh look like Humpty Dumpty hauling
every lass one of de king horse and de king men behine he, so ah
ban' meh jaw an' settle dong to ride dis contraption.

Ah say since is meh firse time back in de gym, ah go take it light.
Let meh do ah ten minutes on de bike den take ah break. Ah start to
peddle.

See yuh girl huffing and puffing. Ah finish out meh water bottle, ah
wiping meh greazy face.
Ah say oh gooode! Yes! Ah going strong! Ah could feel de extra
weight meltin' awf.
Ah could feel meh heart rate racing, ah feeling slim and trim, yes
ah good to go! Ah feeling de feeling!

Ah check meh stop watch. Only two minutes pass.

Two minutes an' I here sweating like ah race horse? *steupse*

Ah look rong de gym. One setta tiny winey Barbie doll jogging on de
track, running on de treadmill, flicking back dey head, none passing
de mirror widdout slowing dong to look at dey micro-bamsee.
Ah vex!
I start to peddle lil faster.

Ah keep picturin' mehself in de size 4 Uniform dress, lookin' like
ah tiny Hummin' Bird.

Ah want to play mehself in de interview.
Ah want when dey look at meh, dey go say.........
"YES, She is de damn ting self whey we lookin' for".

Ah peddle faster.
Ah go be ready fuh dem.


EDIT

Credit to person below.
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